my brain started working again!
All those ideas, plans, thoughts I had whilst drinking were pushed to the back of my mind. Alcohol made me too tired and unconfident to start any of them, and I couldn’t give them 100%. Occasionally they’d pop up and bother me, but I’d push them away again. Now I’m sober, those ideas and more have come flooding through. At first it was hard work, my brain hurt and I felt slightly stressed to prove that not only was I sober but I also had a purpose. Of course I am a mum, that’s satisfying enough. But I am also very creative and doing creative things with the kids or for myself is not enough for me. I need to feel part of the grown up world, satisfied by creating things for others. As I said to a friend, so many things I want to make but so little time or need for them at home. Especially from the world of baking! So I started off small, having fun with projects at home. Working out what I liked doing more than once a week, then once a day. Deciding what is a hobby and what can be a career has been the hardest part. So this is why I disappeared from here for a while. Like I said before I’m an all or nothing girl.
Now all those plans have come together and I’m embarking on a new career path that I know will be hard work but extremely rewarding. It combines all the things I love doing, and I’m good at them too. I’ll be working for myself, which is perfect for me, keeping control is what works best. I haven’t rushed into this. I have been sober for one year 4 months, it is just about the right time for me to embark on a new adventure physically and mentally. One friend said to me about a year ago “I know you, you need to get a job as soon as possible” I replied…”I’m taking my time, working out what’s right for me” she said…”no, you need to stop thinking about it and just do it” I disagree. In those early days/months of sobriety you have to spend time healing yourself and not rushing in to new things until you are ready. Learning how to reattach yourself to the world again, is a big part of sobriety. I was emotionally unfit to begin any big new things. Time needed to be spent fixing things that had gotten me into that mess in the first place and a new job was not the answer. I sometimes kick myself for not doing this sober thing sooner, and wonder what could be if I had not wasted that part of my life at the bottom of a bottle. But I have come to realise that this has come at the right time for me and I’m ready for it.
So here I am, embarking gently but surely into a new adventure. My brain has started working again and I like it….